Tuesday, 10 January 2017

Ruminations



So its been a while. Life takes over and before you know it it's been a year since I last wrote. I must have penned a hundred posts in this time - unfortunately none of them making it from my head to the actual screen. This is not healthy - especially for me, as I use my "soapbox" to vent, and to attempt to make sense of what is happening in my world. Can you just imagine how much bottled up nonsense has been fermenting in my brain this past year!! Instead of attempting to get it all out in one post, in a thesis I'm sure would have me locked away in a nice padded cell somewhere (which actually sounds very tempting right now!!), I have decided that this post will be a commentary on a few things that have either stuck with me, enlightened me, or shocked, disgusted, scared, amused or in some way helped me gain some perspective of what is about to hit me - my 40th Birthday! In no particular order, and in no logical progression. Bear with me as I attempt to translate what is possibly nonsensical ramblings into  my AH HA moments.

1. Its ok to feel cr@p about getting old. Everyone does it, and not everyone can take it in their stride and arrive at the other side unscathed!

2. Its ok to see hitting 40 as something you can either arrive at unscathed or scarred!

3. Grey is NOT the new black (or blonde)! Not now. Not yet. It probably never will be.

4. There is often a huge conflict between what the mirror says and what my head says. I have resigned myself to the fact that this is not a battle I can win.

5. My tolerance for stupidity has evaporated.

6. The older I get, the wiser I get. Really.

7.  I can choose who I want to be friends with. If you are toxic, I am strong enough now to say no and walk away.

8. My family is my life. Always was, and always will be.

9. I can do anything I set my mind to. If my head is in the right place!

10. I make mistakes. Lots of them. And I recover. Mostly.

11. It's ok to fail. How you bounce back and the lessons learned is what actually counts.

12. I really don't have all day!!!

13. I am good with people. I am bad at admin.

14. I need to grow a pair... a big BIG pair. No matter how old I am, or at what stage of my life I am at, I avoid conflict like the proverbial plague! And thats not ok. It's actually fine to say no, to be the bad guy, the bad cop, the hard ass. One day I hope to get this right.

15. I jump in with both feet, heart on my sleeve, fully involved - always. I need a middle level.

16. I am still as over emotional and over sensitive as I was at 13. I just handle it better. I hope.

17. People come into my life for a reason. I don't always know that reason. Some stay longer than expected. Some come and go, but leave an indelible footprint, some stay and won't leave (no matter how much I push!), some disappear at the wrong times and reappear at the right times, some let me down, some surprise me, some I learn from, and some I teach, a few are sent to test me! Some see me for who I really am and love me for it, some only see what they want to see, and some don't see me at all. There are people in my life who shouldn't be here, and out there there are people who should, some make me see the world differently, and some make me question why they are in this world! The best ones are still here. And always will be. I am lucky. And so grateful.

18. My children are my heart. They do things everyday that make me so proud.

19. I am still as in love with my husband as much today as I was the day we met - 6th of Feb. 1995.

20. My mother is my anchor, and I dread the day she is no longer in my life. If I can be half the woman she is I will count myself lucky.

21. It's ok to be a nerd sometimes.

22. Being obsessed with The Walking Dead does not mean I am a mindless idiot who enjoys gratuitous zombie violence. It just means I can see through the wood and past the trees, and sometimes even the leaves and twigs appear clearer than to most.

23. Some people never EVER change.

24. The glass doesn't have to be half full or half empty. As long as I remember that its refillable, its ok.

25. At some stage I have to start avoiding conflict and tackle issues head-on. No matter how comfortable the ostrich costume is.

26. I have a cave. And its ok to live in it when I need to. As long as I know when to come out.

27. My children will grow up and there is nothing I can do or say to change this. I have to trust that we did the best that we could as parents, and that the amazing human beings that they are right now, will help them become amazing adults.

28. I love my life, my world, my home, my family, my career - and its ok to love it all.

29. The strong network of women who have been my strength in my career will always be there - and I believe it is my role to support other women in return, and to raise a daughter who has this same philosophy in life.

30. Just when you think you have it all figured out... LIFE happens!!!!!

...I'm Just Saying


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