The Men in my Life

I would not be where I am, or who I am today were it not for the influence - be it intrinsic or implied - of the men in my life. I have always considered myself to be an independent, strong I-can-do-it-by-myself-I-don't-need-a-man type of girl (thanks mom!). And I still believe this. But there are significant men who have left an indelible footprint in my life. Father's Day was a day of reflection on these amazing men.

I grew up without a dad. He died when I was only six years old - younger than my kids are now. Although he is not physically in my life, he is forever in my heart.  Six was too young for actual memories, and I sometimes think that what I do remember of him is prompted largely by photographs.

I have this image of him being this larger than life figure (he was a very tall man - clearly my height is no reflection on him!). He worked in computers (possibly where my love for all things techno comes from!), and I remember him bringing home reams of computer paper (boxes of perforated sheets - it was the '70's!) for us to draw on. He was also a Police Reservist in his spare time. In the late 1970's / early 1980's in JHB this was quite a terrifying part time profession to be in. It was deep in the days of apartheid, where the "dompas" controlled who was out on the street after dark, and  I vaguely remember my mom worrying relentlessly when he was called out on night duties. Luckily for us, these dark days in SA's history are far behind us. The pictures I have of him in his uniform portray him as a formidable figure, strong and dominant, with kind eyes. His eyes are probably what I remember most. I have his eyes, and so does my son.

My Mom and Dad had a special kind of love - love that lasts forever. His death did nothing to dilute this love she had for him, and it was felt everyday by my sister and myself. It left a lasting impression on me - that was the kind of love I was going to have.

And I do. Life hasn't always been plain sailing. It has been full of ups and downs, days of absolute adoration, and days of sheer hell, where holding a pillow over his face didn't sound like a bad idea! But 17 years later, I am still with the love of my life, my soul mate. Warren and I met in 1995 - a HUGELY significant year - SA won the Rugby World Cup, and I realised that along with my induction into this sport by my rugby mad in-laws, my life had changed forever. We were so young when we met. Still at 'Varsity, still living at home. Although it took him 6 years to propose, I think we both knew from the start it was meant to be. We went though all the important firsts together -  first jobs, moving out, first homes, first bonds (!!), babies, life . And we learnt from each other along the way. I would not be who I am today if it weren't for Warren. He is strong, determined, passionate about all things in life, highly motivated, kind, generous to a fault, and single-mindedly focused on his family. And I could not ask for a better father to my kids, or life partner for me.

My son is the littlest man in my life. He is very much like me in image and in his insecurities and anxieties, and like his dad in temperament. He is an amazing little boy - full of passion for life, incredibly determined, with a bottomless hunger for facts and information. Like his dad and I, he loves history and reading. He is also techno mad (he very quickly figured out how to bypass net nanny!). He torments his sister (my gorgeous, I-am-stronger-than-boys daughter!) relentlessly, but loves her whole heartedly and unreservedly. I have learnt  so much from Dyl. Patience, determination, resilience, complete unconditional love, that drawing a picture with actual sounds makes it come alive, the more friends you have the better your games are, and that cuddles and kisses all over your face instantly make you feel better. I have every confidence that Dyl will grow into a man I will always be proud of, and will keep teaching me life lessons along the way. I hope I can keep up!

Life has a funny way of shaping us. We can either choose to ignore the lessons, the hints, the big flashing signs, or we can embrace them and become richer for it. I for one, am far richer having these these three strong men in my heart. Squashing down my over powering independent, stubborn streak, I can acknowledge that I am a better person because of them. So, I'm Just Saying...Thank You.

Kiss and Tell

Should good girls kiss and tell?

I have been doing some intense research this weekend for a feature article in Cosmopolitan on a subject I have always blushed discussing... SEX. And not just sex, but on whether the bombardment of erotic literature and TV programmes into everyday life has changed the way women not only view, but enjoy, sex.

Let me state outright, that this topic pushed me to the limit of my comfort zone. I had to shake off all of my previous notions and trappings of what was or wasn't considered a "lady-like" discussion.

What surprised me more than my eagerness to tackle this topic, however, was the large number of ladies who were more than willing to share their stories with me. Clearly, "close your eyes, grit your teeth and do it for queen and country" was not the norm!! And the most verbal? Those girls who were no older than 21 or 22. Boy did they know their own minds, and boy were they eager to share and even offer advice!! This is certainly a head strong, independent, knowledgeable, open, and spoilt-for-choice-in-the-toys-and-gadgets-they-own-department, society of young women. Not only were they not shy with opinions and experience, but they were extremely comfortable discussing them. But I digress.

Should good girls kiss and tell? Topics that were once taboo, or at least spoken about in hushed tones behind closed doors, are now being bantered around not just book club discussions, but openly in all forums. Watching Game of Thrones, Californication, reading 50 Shades of Grey, the sex pages in Cosmo, has become as common place as watching CSI and reading Jodi Picult. Is this necessarily a bad thing?

We have always been told the that good girls don't discuss such topics, that only bad girls have an opinion on sex (in fact that only bad girls enjoy sex!). In MY opinion (and I'm Just Saying), views such as these are as ridiculous as the age old "children should be seen and not heard" . In doing my probing and asking of incredibly personal questions this weekend, I have formed the strong opinion that good girls not only DO kiss and tell, but SHOULD kiss and tell! How liberating! From car park gossip to book club babble, we as a, well, as a sex, have earned the right to openly read  50 Shades, as much as men have claimed the right to read Penthouse and Hustler (which they read purely for the stories I'm led to understand!).

Before I get painted with the proverbial Scarlet Letter, I will climb off my soapbox. As long as its safe, and sacred, and done with love, its about time us "good girls" became courageous in kissing and telling. I'm Just Saying...