Ruminations

So its been a while. Life takes over and before you know it it's been a year since I last wrote. I must have penned a hundred posts in this time - unfortunately none of them making it from my head to the actual screen. This is not healthy - especially for me, as I use my "soapbox" to vent, and to attempt to make sense of what is happening in my world. Can you just imagine how much bottled up nonsense has been fermenting in my brain this past year!! Instead of attempting to get it all out in one post, in a thesis I'm sure would have me locked away in a nice padded cell somewhere (which actually sounds very tempting right now!!), I have decided that this post will be a commentary on a few things that have either stuck with me, enlightened me, or shocked, disgusted, scared, amused or in some way helped me gain some perspective of what is about to hit me - my 40th Birthday! In no particular order, and in no logical progression. Bear with me as I attempt to translate what is possibly nonsensical ramblings into  my AH HA moments.

1. Its ok to feel cr@p about getting old. Everyone does it, and not everyone can take it in their stride and arrive at the other side unscathed!

2. Its ok to see hitting 40 as something you can either arrive at unscathed or scarred!

3. Grey is NOT the new black (or blonde)! Not now. Not yet. It probably never will be.

4. There is often a huge conflict between what the mirror says and what my head says. I have resigned myself to the fact that this is not a battle I can win.

5. My tolerance for stupidity has evaporated.

6. The older I get, the wiser I get. Really.

7.  I can choose who I want to be friends with. If you are toxic, I am strong enough now to say no and walk away.

8. My family is my life. Always was, and always will be.

9. I can do anything I set my mind to. If my head is in the right place!

10. I make mistakes. Lots of them. And I recover. Mostly.

11. It's ok to fail. How you bounce back and the lessons learned is what actually counts.

12. I really don't have all day!!!

13. I am good with people. I am bad at admin.

14. I need to grow a pair... a big BIG pair. No matter how old I am, or at what stage of my life I am at, I avoid conflict like the proverbial plague! And thats not ok. It's actually fine to say no, to be the bad guy, the bad cop, the hard ass. One day I hope to get this right.

15. I jump in with both feet, heart on my sleeve, fully involved - always. I need a middle level.

16. I am still as over emotional and over sensitive as I was at 13. I just handle it better. I hope.

17. People come into my life for a reason. I don't always know that reason. Some stay longer than expected. Some come and go, but leave an indelible footprint, some stay and won't leave (no matter how much I push!), some disappear at the wrong times and reappear at the right times, some let me down, some surprise me, some I learn from, and some I teach, a few are sent to test me! Some see me for who I really am and love me for it, some only see what they want to see, and some don't see me at all. There are people in my life who shouldn't be here, and out there there are people who should, some make me see the world differently, and some make me question why they are in this world! The best ones are still here. And always will be. I am lucky. And so grateful.

18. My children are my heart. They do things everyday that make me so proud.

19. I am still as in love with my husband as much today as I was the day we met - 6th of Feb. 1995.

20. My mother is my anchor, and I dread the day she is no longer in my life. If I can be half the woman she is I will count myself lucky.

21. It's ok to be a nerd sometimes.

22. Being obsessed with The Walking Dead does not mean I am a mindless idiot who enjoys gratuitous zombie violence. It just means I can see through the wood and past the trees, and sometimes even the leaves and twigs appear clearer than to most.

23. Some people never EVER change.

24. The glass doesn't have to be half full or half empty. As long as I remember that its refillable, its ok.

25. At some stage I have to start avoiding conflict and tackle issues head-on. No matter how comfortable the ostrich costume is.

26. I have a cave. And its ok to live in it when I need to. As long as I know when to come out.

27. My children will grow up and there is nothing I can do or say to change this. I have to trust that we did the best that we could as parents, and that the amazing human beings that they are right now, will help them become amazing adults.

28. I love my life, my world, my home, my family, my career - and its ok to love it all.

29. The strong network of women who have been my strength in my career will always be there - and I believe it is my role to support other women in return, and to raise a daughter who has this same philosophy in life.

30. Just when you think you have it all figured out... LIFE happens!!!!!

...I'm Just Saying

Still a Cosmo Girl!

 There is a general consensus that when you reach a certain age, or pass a certain milestone (no - I am not talking about the big 4 0 - I haven't hit that one yet!), you are supposed to change the way you act, feel, see things, and dress. No longer are we seen as "girl's", but are addressed as "ma'am". This is my PET peeve!! I may be a lady, but I am NOT a ma'am!!! 

I have given this a lot of thought lately, and have decided that there are no boundaries to remaining young. The limits we see are imposed by society, either those very young - those annoying prepubescent teen waitrons who call us ma'am and roll  their eyes, or by those belonging to a generation where you cut your hair short and grew your hems long once you hit 35!!  So here it is. My proof that I am not quite ready to retire my girl status, and wear that ma'am badge just yet.

I still enjoy an all girls slumber party.

Before any eyebrows are raised, I will clarify. Recently I was lucky enough to go on a four day trip to  Cape Town with 8/10 girls from my wineclub-I-mean-bookclub. (And even more recently, an unforgettable two days at Indigo Fields Spa!!) What an absolutely amazing, soul enriching, rejuvenating, energy replenishing trip it was! We shopped unhindered in shops that had nothing to do with kids or groceries, we ate fantastic meals - decadent breakfasts, good coffees, long lingering wine-immersed lunches with no Spur in sight, and sublime dinners with some nights of dancing thrown in for good measure. It was indulgent (if you consider only having to worry about yourself for four solid days indulgent!), it was decadent (no shopping centre was left until everyone had made some purchase!), it was therapeutic. We shared rooms, shared clothes, shared make up, sat around in our pj's talking and laughing and sometimes crying. I  realized what amazingly special friends these girls were. How uniquely they all contributed to my mental well being, my emotional stability, my soul.  It was a four day, grown up slumber party. Thank you, Monique, Caren, Robyn, Jos, Georgie, Gen and Carla, Karen and Debs, for keeping us all girls! Ps - we threw away our ma'm status when we were thrown out of WOOLWORTHS for laughing too raucously!!!

I like to play dress up.

I am lucky enough to have two friends who I know I would fall apart without. We have been friends since our kids were born, and have grown into motherhood together. As fate would have it, we all have similar backgrounds in our past dancing endeavors (Karen is still a dancer today, while Ash and I jump in when we can). This shared flair for the dramatic lends itself to wonderful, unforgettable parties and events! Make it a dress up theme, and we will more than rise to the occasion! Together (and dragging our long suffering husbands with us!), we have been Shebeens Queens, gone back to the 80's twice, been Arabian Princesses, Cowgirls, Prostitutes (in Mozambique), to name a few. And we rocked it!! Together we have kicked up our heels and learnt to line dance, we have Lady Soul'ed, we have One Stop'ed and house partied until we were barefoot and hobbling. Talk about keeping you young! Special, wonderful, girls, who are more like sisters to me than friends.

I greedily grab new challenges.

On my Will Do List I proclaimed that I wanted to ride the Amashova (well, the half one!). And I did. The fact that I am not a rider, have a huge fear of riding downhills, and am at quite an unfit stage of my life, I did it. I wore the nappy-like shorts, borrowed the shirt (thanks Kar!), got on my bike, and did it. Recently, in Mauritius, I figured out how to do that stand-up-paddle-board-canoe-thingy;and  not-so-recently I have run a marathon (I need to do another one at some point so that I can stop riding on the coat tails of the one time I actually ran further than round the block!!).   If you dare me, or challenge me - or better yet tell me I CAN'T do it - then Satan's very own flaming steeds could not stop me doing it!

I am a technology slut

And yes, I do mean slut! I am fickle when it comes to moving on to newer, better, faster technology. I pad; blackberry; iphone; windows 8 (hating that this particular upgrade has gotten the better of me at the moment!!); new apps; upgraded apps; free apps; expensive apps; shortcuts; pointless upgrades; blogs; and now that I have my own website (www.forbesconsulting.co.za - thanks Creative Ground for making this possible!), learning how to do bigger and better things with it and on it... I am a sucker for it all!!

When are we officially OVER-THE-HILL???
Is it wrong to want to still have fun, to throw caution to the wind, and to laugh until you have to engage those kegal muscles (the first sign of being not-so-young anymore!)? My kids are my life. They are my everything. They come first, no matter what. And they know it. There is nothing I wouldn't do for them. I see them laugh when we laugh; their eyes sparkle when we act silly; and at parties (always full of both grown-ups AND kids now-a-days), I see how they follow our lead and jump up and dance, and laugh, and shriek and have fun with pure unadulterated abandonment.

Life is for the living. And I'm not quite ready to trade my dancing shoes for flats;  exchange cocktails with girls for tea parties; or sit demurely on the side lines. As long as there is balance between work and play - which there definitely IS in my life -  I want my kids to look back later in their lives and be able to say  - life is fun!!! And you CAN do it all!! Jut please don't Ma'am me. I'm just saying...

Adversity

I am angry. I realise this is not a good start to a post, but there it is. I am angry, and frustrated, hurt, disappointed, scared and just a little bit demotivated. Negative!! It is not my usual style to be so negative, and I am sure in a few days (or weeks :( ) this will change. But right now, this is me.

In a nutshell, last weekend, my husband, a very good friend out visiting from London, and myself, were attacked and mugged at gunpoint. We had just left the rugby stadium after a fantastic day at Kings Park Stadium patriotically watching the Sharks do us proud. We were laughing, and jabbering on the way back to the car - completely oblivious to what fate had in store for us. Out of nowhere (as cliched as that sounds, it is true), two black males wearing hoods and carrying 9mm guns jumped us. The one worked my husband over, and the other, Bron and myself. They took what they wanted, did what they wanted, and left. Stunned, hurt, feeling like we what we had just experienced was surreal - we made our way back to the stadium and proceeded on the long path to dealing with the aftermath.

The frustration! The inconvenience!!! No cell phones - three days to get back into communications, insurance claims, injuries requiring x rays and medical attention, nightmares, so far a whole week of work lost, to say the very least. The utter feeling of hopelessness, of vulnerability. The anger and bitterness. I have never been one to live in fear. South Africa is MY home. MY country. And I have always spoken proudly of it. South Africa is an amazingly culturally, ethnically, and mentally diverse country. We are spoilt rotten by our breathtaking surroundings, our abundant animals and vegetation, by our rich history of creativity and expressionism, and by our people. However, Yin and Yang exists in its truest form in SA - we are also constantly fighting one battle or another. Crime, politics, education, poverty. Yet despite this, despite the angst, the fear, the anger, the frustration we sometimes experience, we are, and always will be, Proudly South African. Herein lies my dilemma. I now have an element of fear that wasn't there before. I have had my rose colored spectacles not only removed, but crushed.  I now have to look behind me at every step. I have to question where I go, where I park, where I drive. MY world, my psyche, my state of mind, my normally instinctively trusting nature, have been violated. And this makes me bitter and angry.

We walked away. Many, many others have experienced far worse. We were not shot, or raped. We are lucky. LUCKY! My bubble has been popped. And while I will never turn my back on my country, I am deeply disappointed, and disillusioned. What happened to us is trivial in comparison to what has happened to so many others. A mere blip, in comparison to what happened in Kenya the same weekend. A drop in the proverbial ocean of crime statistics in South Africa. But is is MY blip, MY drop, and it is something I have to come to terms with. Academically I know I shouldn't allow this to change who I am and what I innately feel. Realistically, however, - my head and heart are not speaking the same language at the moment. An internal battle only I can deal with. It must run its course. And I have to believe deep down, that in time, how I feel will shift, and I can take some positive out of the event. In time.

Everyday someone, in some form or another, is confronted with adversity. Personal, emotional, physical. In South Africa we are built tough. We understand that in order to live in a country as breathtakingly beautiful, as culturally rich and poignantly diverse as we do, we have to be tough. We have to take the good with the bad. So when we are faced with adversity, we get back up, brush off the dust,  lick our wounds, and live another day to tell the tale. And hopefully, we grow. And hopefully this growth is positive, and leads to positive repercussions. We become part of making a change. This is my personal mantra at the moment. To take a deep, steady breath, to square my shoulders, to deal with and then banish the negative emotions, and to stand taller, ready to face another challenge. To do my bit to effect change, in as positive a way as I am able to. My negativity will dissipate. Life is for living. And life is good. I'm Just Saying...

Life as I See It

 Lying in bed this morning with a mild (poetic license!) headache from an overly indulgent evening of sushi and wine with special friends, got me thinking about Life -  and the Stages we go through, and often repeat the older we get. The thing is, I wasn't left feeling morbid, regretful, or even particularly depressed. I felt oddly comfortable and confident. Content even. Life is funny like that. As we move from stage to stage, how we perceive life, how we react and respond to life,  how we feel about life, and even who we are at any given time - is erratic and unpredictable. We are undeniably mercurial.

 I remember very clearly how I felt in my school days. This early developmental Stage of Life was carefree, and relatively uncomplicated. (Unless time has hazed my memory!) Friendships formed hard, fast and eternal. Growing up with my best friend in-the-whole-wide world-and-beyond Jennifer Dunn (She is Ray now, but will always be Dunn to me - sorry Clay!) Experiencing all of life's firsts together - primary school; high school; from school discos and house parties where doing the actions to Climie Fischer was cool - to clubbing; sleepovers; holidays and walks home after school; practically living at The Block on the beach; Sandpebbles; Rippingtons; Jewish Club; 330; Raywood; sharing boyfriends (until Clay Ray); surfer boys; Milli Vanilli; Vanilla Ice; MC Hammer; Rick Asterly; Depeche Mode; Madonna in the good years; Jason Donovan and Kylie Minogue; dancing; sharing clothes; looooong land line phone conversations and even longer letters written in class (on paper!); childhood ailments and illnesses and broken bones (mostly me!) - growing up the best way possible. I wish a friendship like this for my children. WHO I was had not developed yet. I cringed at fashion faux pas; I blushed horribly when given compliments; I kept my opinions to myself should they differ to my peers; I craved acceptance; and I had a complete lack of confidence in any of my decisions. My benchmark? What other people thought of me.

University was that Stage of Life where we all attempted to Find Ourselves, and Figure IT All Out. New experiences; independence; making sometimes-less-than-mature decisions and learning to live with the consequences.  Embracing learning and new friendships and finding out that below the anxious, less than confident facade, were skills, character traits and abilities I never knew I possessed. From Rag (parading around in peak morning traffic in nothing but underwear and a whip, alongside my boyfriend and friends all dressed in much the same ridiculous way, shaking our.. um.. tins, and selling the Official Rag Mag!!); to Dome (writing for the 'Varsity paper); to wearing black and organising The Battle of the Bands. Learning about hangovers (and drinking the most awful stuff in an attempt at sophistication!) Having a crush on my History lecturer; eating roti's on the grass in front of Howard College and coffee from the Top Ref; sitting in Psych lectures with thousands of other opinionated students; reading Sartre and Goethe (and being told by a hot guy in the library I was pronouncing Albert Camus wrong!). Choosing subjects because I would be with my then-boyfriend-now-husband, and realising that was where my passion lay. Mastering the art of double-line spacing, and learning the craft of renegotiating deadlines. And no matter how many waitress shifts, or bank teller Saturday mornings we put in - never having enough money!! I left University four years later  with my Honors Degree thinking that I would change the world!!

I remember feeling less than confident in myself these years. Unsure of who I was and what I wanted. Constantly needing and seeking approval. Constantly questioning, and being too uncertain of myself to express what I thought or felt. I did a lot of second guessing. And worrying about the small things. As the Stages of Life evolved to more serious ones - marriage, homes, bonds, medical issues, careers, kids - so did my range of vacillating emotions and my sense of what was important. At some point there was an incredible sense of self actualisation. Things that worried me back then, roll off my shoulders now. I am far more confident in myself - in who I am, who I have become. I no longer question my beliefs. I stand behind my views and opinions. I stand up for things, for my family, my friends. I am completely confident in my abilities, and in the sheer determination I possess to make things happen. I have learned to ask for help, to laugh at myself and to embrace change as the one constant in life. This Stage of Life is incredible. It is full of rediscovery and exhilaration. It is about doing all the things I previously thought I couldn't or wouldn't do. And I love it!!

HOWEVER. My gorgeous children will be ten in five days time. TEN. Into double figures, hurtling towards those teenage years quicker than I can bear to think about.  As I write this, I can feel myself breaking into a cold sweat. Its not just that I am, quite honestly, t e r r i f i e d of what these teenage years will bring, but also that I just need it all to slow down. The pressure on these little things is tremendous in comparison to what we - or at least I (lest I be too blanket with my generalizations!) - had at this age. School was relaxed, friends were plentiful, sport was fun, parties were musical-statues-pass-the-parcel-catches-with-den-at-the-end-of-the-garden-and-birthday-cake-in-a-serviette-as-a-party-pack. Now its pressure at school to achieve above and beyond average marks, or its off to OT, Speech, and remedial lessons; score enough runs to maintain your place in the school sports team, or its a drop down to the next team below; cliques of (bitchy) friends (I kid you not - especially at my daughters school!); and parties rivaling our 21st's!! The pressure and the fast pace of life is forcing them to grow up quicker than they are ready (or more honestly, than I am ready) for. The clothes; the brand and image-consciousness; the lingo; the attitude; the knowledge about life and love and the birds and the bees...What is left? What is next? What on earth will we be in for in the next stage of our and our children's lives? More importantly, what will they be in for?

 As I reflect on the past Life Stages I have survived, and as I revel in the one I am in Right Now, I can't help but look forward to what lies ahead. Not altogether in apprehension, but in anticipation. Hopefully my obviously malleable state of being will adapt my strengths and render me willing and able enough to embrace the imminent life challenges both in my and my children's lives. And if not, I am now wise enough to know that happy pills really do make you happier; that wine is a very necessary and restorative tonic; and that an occasional escape from reality makes me a better person! I'm Just Saying...

How to be a Hero

Heroes come in all sorts of disguises. Not many fit the prescribed formula we had imprinted on us as kids by Hans Christian Anderson, or Enid Blighton, or even Stephen King! Growing up, traditional heroes rode magnificent steeds into battle; were always armed with the biggest gun or sharpest sword; carried badges; solved crimes or mysteries; and saved people from the inevitable Baddies. Traditional heroes were confident; outspoken; brave; and were regaled as Heroes - celebrated as one to aspire to be like - a template to be followed in order to be a success, a Good Person. A Hero.

What about today? Who are our Heroes? Is there still a template that would render one a typical Hero? Looking around, in all societies, in all cultures, across all levels, I see a lot of Fallen Heroes. People who have once ticked all the boxes that magic template prescribed. Who we as society acknowledged and celebrated as the Real Deal. Heroes in every form.  Why them? What made us lift them up onto those pedestals? Revere them? Aspire to be like them?

Not to beleaguer the point - but to mention a few. Oscar Pistorious begins his trial for the brutal murder of his girlfriend Reeva Steencamp tomorrow. (Make that 19 August - postponed already!!) Once a hero in all forms to so many, meeting all the preordained requirements, - on the sporting field, for his upliftment projects, for his positive and motivating advocacy of the handicapped in sport. What will he be remembered for now?  Will history still reflect his life as that of a Hero - once claiming his rightful spot on that elusive pedestal? Lance Armstrong? A True Hero - unadulteratedly admired by nations. His undignified fall from grace rendering him Only Human? Movie Actors and Actresses are often viewed as Heroes by our kids. They have been built up in this imaginary, fantasy world by the industry, and when they come crashing down to normalcy - their fall is harder than most. I remember Hannah Montana (Mylie Cyrus) being my daughters Heroine for a very long time. Then she saw pictures of her in "Real Life" smoking - boom! She was now banished by Kirsten to the category of Fallen Hero. What, or rather, who is left? Spiderman? Superman? Wonderwoman (or was it Catwoman?)

I look around in Real Life, in my small world, and I have personally have plenty of Real Life Unsung Heroes. These are the Heroes I have, and will be further, promoting to my children. I am so lucky to have a large circle of amazing friends, who are part of my life in so many obvious and intrinsic ways. Friends who have made me who I am, friends who help me to strive to be who I want to be. Friends who are like second moms to my kids (Ash and Karen - the roles go both ways!), friends who frustrate me, challenge me, and friends who make me silently count to ten in my head! I have friends who have always been in my life (Jen - almost 28 years of friendship - forever and always x), and friends who have just come into my life. Friends who have come, and gone, and come back again, friends far away and friends up the road. I have one group of friends, whom I have wanted to write a tribute to for a long time. They have been my glue for the past five years. We have developed a bond that is untenable, and have a deep love and respect for each other that overshadows the most seemingly impossible situations. For laughter (in abundance), for tears (there have been lots - we take turns!), for help, for wine, for fun, for dancing, eating, talking, sharing, teaching and ultimately, for just being there. My Bookclub Babes. When I think of heroes in the true sense of the word - these girls are mine.

(Take out the names, and I guarantee these heroes exist in some form in all of your lives. And somewhere in there, you may find yourself - a hero to someone special.)

My two friends Caren and Georgie who not only survive but excel as part time single moms while their husbands travel for work on a permanent basis.  They are truly amazing women who are each raising three amazing kids, in the most beautifully creative homes, with wonderful foundations. Georgie - who has overcome cancer, who rises to any challenge life throws at her, who is always ready to (literally) kick her heels up and let loose, and who is a completely compassionate and empathetic human being. Caren - who along with kicking ass in a huge way in her gym sessions (I once literally battled to sit or walk for four days after one of her training sessions! I cursed her. A lot.), has this amazing, eclectic decorating eye - this ability to put a 1920's sewing machine on her mantle, hang handbags on her wall, mount life size Freda portraits in her hallway, and make it look unbelievably phenomenal!  I am constantly in absolute awe of her - and unashamedly green with envy! She is strong minded, and passionate - and is truly a force to be reckoned with.

Gen - my strong, resilient wonderful friend, who survived a horrible hi-jacking at work, faced her fears and trauma and didn't allow the monsters to change who she was. She went back to work and has made such a success of her business - which alone makes her my hero. (Well, that and her Master Chef capabilities!). Gen is without a doubt the most organised person I know. She is master-list-maker-supreme, she organises the BEST getaways, has a fantastic dress sense, and is the kindest, most generous, honest friend I know. She wears her heart on her sleeve (I have so much respect for anyone who does this), and I have never heard her utter an unkind word. Gen's door (and heart) is always open.

Carla - the epitome of the Mother Bear defending her cub. Carla has recently had to endure the agony of watching her step-daughter go through an intense trauma. She has walked on fire to stand up and fight for her, to ensure that justice prevails, to help her daughter heal and emerge stronger for the experience. Carla is a real hero in my eyes. She has had to visibly react in a way in which every mother hopes she has the strength to do. Aside from this, Carla is my mentor. She has accomplished so much, and never lets anything stand in her way. She had a desire to learn to paint? Done! With such skill and flair. Carla is also one of the most generous people I know - generous with her home, her entertainment, her skills, her knowledge, her advice, and most importantly, with her heart.A very special lady.

Four Kids. And the last one in her 40's. And all achievers. That's a whole heap of work! The exhaustion, the emotion, the financial outlay, the juggling act, the organising skills - Debs is fantastic! She makes motherhood look like a walk in the park. To add to her hero CV, Debs is an accomplished lawyer (not practicing right now), and always looks gorgeous and stunningly dressed. Dylan once thought that Megan Fox, who happened to be gracing the cover of Cosmo one year, was Debbie. I kid you not. Debbie has this ability to create an impression the moment she enters a room. She has an infectious laugh, and way of getting you to open up without realising you have done so.

With the ability to create the most spectacular art - in all forms, with her paintbrush or her mouse, Jos is my enviable hero. She is a free spirit, with the most phenomenal ability to sense when you are hurting or needing a friend. Her calls or messages always come at just the right time. She is incredibly talented in graphic design, and her artistic ability is unbelievable. Anyone who can create awe out of a flat canvas, is a hero in my eyes, and Jos just takes this to a whole new level. She reaches out and hits home, when she senses you are down. She celebrates all your successes. She taps into your psyche and is incredibly wise and deep in her advice. 

Robyn is about to complete her BA psychology degree. Her second degree. In her forties. With three children. And a travelling husband. She whips up culinary master pieces, putting us all to shame with her wine drinking capabilities - surviving most bookclub evenings (lets not mince words - we all understand its wine club!) with no hangover! But more than all of this, what makes Robs a hero in my life is how she has jumped in with both feet to be there for her sister, who is undergoing chemo for breast cancer at the moment. She is strong, and focused, and emotionally a pillar of strength. She has put her own fear and heartache aside, and has stepped up to the plate in so many ways. Robs has a magnificent, raucous laugh! (Along with Georgie, they have literally brought bookclub to its knees with noise levels, according to Warren attempting to sleep upstairs!!) She is a wonderful raconteur. Her stories are colourful, loud, and spellbinding!  With Robs in the mix, there is always bellyaching laughs, and genuine emotion.

I have always been a bit wishy-washy (a very technical term!!), when it comes to dealing with conflict, and have a habit of mincing my words in an effort to always try to say the right thing. Karen- there-is-no-grey-only-black-and-white-Foord is my ultimate hero in saying what you mean. If it needs to be said, she will say it. But in such a good way that you leave her company feeling like all the problems of the world have been solved. She has talked me though many issues in such a straightforward, level headed way. She is also the friend who senses you need it, so just pops past to give you a hug. Oh - and if you ever want to know ANYTHING - ask Karen! Karen has opened up conversations you swear should be banned in public. Many a waitron serving our table at dinners have earned themselves an invaluable education!

My darling, special friend Monique. Whenever you need a friend, a supportive ear, a shoulder to lean on or cry on,  someone to have that much needed afternoon glass-of-wine-that-extends-into-supper with - Mon is there. Always. Without fail. I needed help co-ordinating a more-than-we-bargained-for charity project this year, and without blinking an eye, or questioning what was involved, Mon stepped up. She can single handedly whip up homemade bread in a pan on an old gas stove in the middle of the bush; lend you a pair old kick-ass shoes in any colour of the rainbow; create timeless, unique GORGEOUS furniture from relics bound for the dump (Revive - partnered with Caren - these two are seriously fabulous!) - and be an amazing wife to her Greek husband who still believes in the sanctity of the weekend afternoon nap!  Without doubt - my hero! She has recently had an op, one which is excruciatingly painful. She took it head on, without flinching. She waved away her pain, got out of bed, and got on with her day. No milking of symptoms. No playing for sympathy. Always true to herself and her friends, my hero.

We all need hero's in our lives. They help us to be better versions of who we already are. When life hands us lemons (in Bookclub Babes they would either be used for G&T's, or for Robyn's mind blowing cevichy starter (literary liberty with spelling!)), these heroes make us see that there is more to life than disappointing sports stars, badly behaved-movie-stars-masquerading-as heroes, fallen politicians, and super/spider/cat/wonderwomen and men who by virtue of the fact that they wear their underwear on the outside of their pants, are destined to disappoint. Without looking too far, we are surrounded by good. By genuine, down to earth, Real Life Heroes. And I for one, am blessed to have so many Heroes in my life. I'm Just Saying...

Women's Day

"Well behaved women seldom make history" Laurel Thatcher Ulrich. 

In my (humble) opinion, never have truer words been uttered. 

Yesterday was International Women's Day (in South Africa it's only in August, but I believe we are well worth the double high-five-recognition!). Contrary to what I believe Women's Day should be - i.e. a day of recognition and acknowledgement to all women who everyday make sacrifices for their families and others - it is actually a day that slips by quietly, with the little acknowledgement there is being give by other women. What's up with that?? The glaringly obvious statement it makes to me is - thank goodness for a strong network of women who lift up, support, encourage and motivate each other!

I was privileged enough to attend a KZN Women in Business meeting on Thursday and to hear Helen Davis - an amazing author from Florida, USA - talk about, amongst other things, her success as a woman in business. She attributed her survival and business successes in the  early part of her career, to the strength, support and networking with other women. And looking around the room, and listening to everyone stand up, introduce their business, and as an extra impromptu, describe what changes they would make in themselves or their businesses, there was no doubt that I was in excellent company! What was equally undeniable, was that those who were most successful were the women not scared to take a chance, to go against tradition, against societal norms, against what "good girls"would do, and to "misbehave"in the once predominantly man's-world. (One of Helen's pieces advice for women in business - STOP SHOPPING and become more fiscally responsible! I took note.)

Hats off to all those out there who go against the grain in order to make history! From women who have left the comfort of a steady, guaranteed income of a career in making someone else's dreams come true, to those women who have put their own dreams aside for that very same steady income (yes, as a woman, I am allowed to be contrary!!). From all those battling the daily guilt of being a working mom, to those battling the daily guilt of being a stay-at-home mom. From women standing up for what they firmly believe in because the cause is greater than the consequence, to those women for whom the consequences outweigh the principle of the cause. Hats off to all women who compete not only against patriarchy, but against other women too - while at the same time maintaining their compassion, empathy and respect for all.

Please don't get me wrong. This blog is not meant as a diatribe against men, but rather a shout out to all women who forget their value and worth. I am fortunate to have a husband who celebrates my successes with me, and encourages and supports me as much as I need. But there are many, many many women out there who are not so fortunate. International Women's Day should not be a passive "You-go-girl-high-five", but a real acknowledgement of how bloody amazing we as women are! In South Africa, we have another chance in August to get this right - so watch this space!!!

To all those awesome women in my life - my mom, mom-in-laws, sister, sister-in-law, cousins, and my special, amazing circle of girlfriends - always remember to support each other, to give credit where credit is due, to lift each other up when needed, to sing each others praises when ever we can (lets be honest - we have pretty loud voices when we try!) and never forget you are FANBLOODYTASTIC!!! I'm Just Saying...

Because Facebook Said So

Confessionals are passe. Dear Diary doesn't exist. For your eyes / ears only never happens any more. Dinner for two unannounced is an oddity, a visit to the gym is no longer between you and your sweat pants... our lives are literally open books!

Facebook and Twitter are viral. I know that is not exactly hot-off-the-press news, but exactly how viral they are has been on my mind a lot lately. I honestly know exactly one friend in my circle of girlfriends, who is not on facebook. This said friend has also only recently upgraded to a Blackberry, so for her, the constant status updates on BBM are enough to contend with (her words!)!! From parents and grandparents, to my 10 year old godson; from charity groups, business pages, community updates, to both my kids schools; from your best friend when you were three, to the new friend you just met at work,  facebook does not discriminate. If you want information, gossip, updates, the weather report - or want to know what your neighbour had for breakfast (!), facebook news feed is your one stop shop!To be clear, I'm not running it down - I am as attached to facebook as the next guy. Aside from the obvious social (and voyeuristic!) reasons, I appreciate its value and reach from a general marketing perspective as well. Where would we be without that little blue, um, "F"!!

My thought processes regarding the virility of facebook, has been moving along the lines of can too much information at our fingertips, shoved in our faces, begging for commentary and further spreading (I mean sharing!), be dangerous?? In so many ways, I think it is not only dangerous, but extremely potentially harmful!! But like with anything, it all depends on how you use it, and how responsible you are. (On that note - I just heard that those ridiculously expensive little "buckyballs" (tiny, powerful magnetic balls designed to attract as many kids to their short-term spot of flavor-of-the-week, despite the hefty price tag, as possible!!) have been banned in the US due to their lethal consequence if swallowed. I'm Just Saying... use and responsibility... its simple!!)

And then there's the question of facebook friends - quantity over quality? In terms of numbers, is more seriously better? Do we quality control enough? I'm sure everyone is in the same boat. You know, that person / family member / work mate / old nursery school friend / nosey neighbour across the road, who, no matter how long you avoided that Friend Request notification, guilted you into accepting? The very same one who now facebook-stalks you - comments on your every move, every picture, every status update, every check in, and every new friend accepted to your page (and comments border-line-inappropriately, or inboxes you with not-so-borderline-inappropriate judgements!!). Like you didn't see that coming!!And yet here we are, 527 friends later. Open books. Shew!

Pinterest had a divine post recently (I forgot to PIN it, so I'm a bit hazy on the details). Something along the lines of most people's relationships would survive longer, if facebook didn't exist. I recall them referring to the constant interfering, questioning, judging made by facebook "friends", more than the not-so-unheard-of leaving your partner for that recently surfaced first love from pre-school days! I would go so far as to say that this goes for friendships as well. I would guess that many friendships have been derailed by facebook revelations, divulges, dodgy check-ins and cringe-worthy tagged pictures!! Timelines are inarguably filled with an enormous amount of detrimental over-sharing.

With regard to safety, crime, and community incidents, my husband and I recently had a conversation about reality versus perception. At the moment there seems to be this massive influx of crime in and around our area. Facebook and Twitter have been reading like a CSI role call - absolutely flooded by reports, warnings, stories and updates on attempted assaults, break-ins, hijackings etc etc.  My initial reaction was naturally "Well there goes the neighbourhood! Lock your doors, don't go out after dark, live in fear!" But on contemplation, has the level of crime really increased so dramatically, or is this only our perception because of how much more aware we are being made of it? I'm not denying the crime is there, has always been there, but I'm Just Saying maybe facebook and twitter doing live reporting on every incident, has exacerbated our reactions to the bigger picture.

Overly emotive - in fact, passive-aggressive attention seeking, vague Facebook updating; Tweeting in the moment; blanket CC'ing of emails; overly informative BBM status's; harsh / judgemental commentary and generalisations under the pseudo-comfort-blanket of relative anonymity; - much like drunk-dialling / texting, more often than not bites you in the @ss. Think twice, post once. I am seriously admitting (again!) to a bit of pottle (pot calling the kettle black), as I can plead guilty to a number of my hastily written updates falling victim to my quick posting finger. But in the future, I am going to attempt a self-imposed censorship of  any post-before-you-think updates. And am going to attempt a bigger picture view of whats on offer on my news feeds and timelines. Just because Facebook said so, doesn't make it Gospel. I'm Just Saying...

Stop Mucking Around the Fountain!

I had a terrible night last night. Insomnia and horrendous nightmares. Heart-palpitating-drenched in sweat-angry at the world, nightmares. Needless to say, this morning I felt like I had slept with Gandhi's flip-flop in my mouth (thanks Jacks for that image!!), and was ready to take on any one who dared to irritate me in the slightest - including my innocent blue-eyed boy who needed the grip on his cricket bat changed before school today. I DARE you to find a more frustrating, patience-testing activity!! Thanks to lots of coffee and YouTube, I resumed my place as Cleverest-Mom-Ever just as the lift club arrived! But I digress...

You know that feeling when there is no doubt in your mind that if there was ever a day you would follow through on some heinous "I will not hesitate to kill you if you look at me sideways" threat, that today was that day? That no amount of sweet talking, chocolate eating, wine consuming, random act of kindness would change your murderous mood? And then out the blue, you get an unexpected call from a friend, and BAM! Attitude adjusted! Thanks Ian Shaw, for phoning me to poke the bear this morning, and in educating me (and I use that term very loosely where this particular friend of mine is concerned!), on his quirky philosophy of the similarity between a goldfish and a goat*, gave me the kick in the rear I needed to jump start this Monday! (That's not to say that I won't be feeling disgustingly venomous by 4pm today, however!!). 

SO here it is. Happy 2013 - my inaugural post for the new year!

I can't believe its been so long since I sat down to write! This fact is just testament to the absolute mania (and holiday bliss!), that has been my life since December. We are now well into January, and life seems to be settling into it's usual routine normalcy. Well, as normal as life with two hectically active, prepubescent (I kid you not!), 9 year olds can be! As exhausting and patience-testing as it is, however, I wouldn't change it for anything!

 

The start of a new year always has us thinking along the lines of New Years' Resolutions (NYR), and new starts, and clean pages (or new books - depending on just how bad the previous year had been for you!!). For me New Years Resolutions have never worked. In fact, they are guaranteed to set me up for disappointment and feelings of self loathing. In my mind, if I have fallen off that NYR waggon once by mid January (which inevitably I would have!), that's it for me. Instant failure!! So this year I have decided its all about making attitude changes, lifestyle changes, and habit changes. Resolving to run four times a week or else, has changed into resurrecting my running, and making it part of my life and daily routine. Resolving to stop eating chocolates forever has changed into making healthier diet choices, and grocery choices for my whole family. I would like to be more open to new opportunities, and less concerned by the small mindedness of others. I would like to focus more on the bigger picture, and sweat the small stuff less. I would like to embrace that popular adage Live, Love, Laugh, and be more grateful for my many blessings. So in a nutshell, no resolutions, just lots of positive life changes.

 

This year we are working towards goals. My poor kids have been forced to set goals by their cruel mother (in my son's words!), for their academics and sport. Both have set themselves achievable, and aspirational goals, which made me very proud! Lets see if this lasts as they get swallowed up by the mania of the school year!

 

They are destined for great things, these two gorgeous kids of mine. Their tenacity, their gumption, their lack of fear when presented with new challenges and adventures, is remarkable. Their open minds, their thirst for knowledge, their ability to adapt and be malleable puts me to shame! They have truly inspired me to change MY attitude this year. I am going to grab that bull by its proverbials, not take no for an answer, and jump into 2013 with both feet! No more mucking around that fountain!! So watch this space...I'm Just Saying...

 

*Life according to Ian... its a spoonerism. Goldfish tend to waste time mucking around the fountain, while goats tend to waste time.... No more being goldfish OR goats!! I'm Just Saying... ;)

The Last Big Push

School is almost over for the year. Two more weeks of waking up at sparrows, dragging the kids out of bed, fighting over who wants what for breakfast, fighting for breakfast to get eaten at a pace more suitable to a human than a snail, lunches to be made (not peanut butter sarmies AGAIN!!), fighting to get teeth brushed, uniforms on, hair brushed, etc etc ETC! Two weeks left of homework (lets face it, I'm as over my kids homework as they are at this point!), of extra mural activities, of the ballet run, cricket matches all the way down the hill on a Friday afternoon, of early morning traffic jams, of lunchtime traffic jams, of spending more time IN the car than actually WITH my kids. Two more weeks and its December, school holidays, sunshine, and CHRISTMAS! 

These last two weeks are already jam packed. No time to ease into the festive season! With swimming gala's, Carol Services, Market Days, Speech Days, Parents information evenings, parents end of year get-together's,  there is literally no room to breathe before now and the end. And the end this time signals the end of Junior Primary for my kids. Next year is Senior Primary - and they are back to being those proverbial little fishes in the huge pond of Big School. Life changes for them (and me) next year. I have this impending sense that it all gets more serious from here on. Big subjects are introduced at school - history, biology, science and technology, as well as the usual maths, English, Afrikaans and Zulu (I see exciting homework sessions in my future!).  Tests and assessments become more formal, and exams loom in the not too distant future. Its a lot to take in for a parent. I think I am more apprehensive than my kids!

One of the biggest changes next year (again, more frightening (read: shattering!) for us parents than for our kids), is the introduction of i pads at my son's school for Grade 4's. Each child has to have his own before the school term next year. There has been much back-and-forthing between the school and the parents, but the bottom line is - it's happening. Gulp!! The school will be going above and beyond to provide as safe and secure an environment for the introduction of this new, expensive piece of school stationary as possible, but I am still seriously dubious as to how I can expect my son not to lose / drop / misplace / stand on / damage / abuse his i pad, when I am overjoyed just to see him returning from school with TWO school shoes (with two laces - I have no idea how, but he seems to manage to lose one lace out of his school shoes at least every second week!) and a full PE kit!! I see inflated insurance costs in my future!!

Homework next year poses more challenges for us parents once again, than for our little darlings. Brushing up on maths, science and history will be child's play compared to making sure we are all as technologically up to speed as our kids! At this stage, they are already far superior with our phones and computers and i pads than we are. Now we give them their own, plus dedicated lesson time with them at school.... another cause for eye-rolling kids at mom (and dad's!) ineptness!! But just as calculators and computer lessons at school during our day was frightening for our parents, it was inevitable. We  are going to have to up the bond to buy them for our kids, and embrace this technological teaching aid. Gulp!!

Before we even get there, though, this time of year is always a sad time for saying goodbye to those who have made such a difference in our kids lives on the school front. It is even more poignant this year for us, leaving Junior Primary behind. My kids have both been blessed with outstanding Heads of Primary, ladies who have really taken the time to get to know all the kids under their care, and to use their positions to motivate and inspire. They have both enthused a culture of genuine caring and love, not only for traditional learning, but also igniting in our kids a passion for the environment, and their responsibility thereof. Both Mrs Lane (Highbury) and Mrs Cuthbertson (St. Marys) have been wonderful role models for my kids. Saying thank you and goodbye will be hard. Again, both my kids have been fortunate enough to have had outstanding class teachers - from Grade R right through to Grade 3. Each one being so different, yet all leaving my kids with their own unique take on life and the world. Being a teacher must be the most challenging, rewarding, frustrating career for any one to chose. Having friends in this profession (Ashleigh, Terryn - two of the most amazing teachers I know), I have seen how much a teacher has to give of herself in order to have successful pupils. SO I am grateful to those my kids have been fortunate enough to have been taught by during the foundation phase of their lives.

Its almost time to turn off the morning alarm, haul out the advent calendar, start my Christmas shopping and holiday preparations.  Almost. Its almost time to buy the tree from the Christmas Tree Farm in Gillits (one of my favorite family traditions!), to book tickets to the Beauty and the Beast Pantomime, to find my Carol playlists on my ipod, and to embrace the end of the year. Almost. Before we run out of steam, however, we have to take a deep breath and not lose focus. It's the Last Big Push... I'm Just Saying...

Glimmer of Hope

Hurricane Sandy has certainly lived up to its Super Storm status way over in the US. Images of sharks in back yards and half peeled buildings have really shown us the true force of a pissed off Mother Nature! Thoughts and prayers go out to all affected by the devastation left in its wake. 

Not to be ignored, however, and closer to home, Hurricane Sandile, (Thanks Twitter for the dubbing of this one!), the absolutely bipolar weather being experienced in Durban right now, attempts to wreck havoc on a more local scale. Four seasons in one HOUR, at the moment!!! This is not what we are used to, here on the coast. This is supposed to be summer. I know this because even though the sky is dark and miserable, and the heavens open every ten minutes or so to spew out icy rain, hail, and the odd crack of thunder and lightening bolt, and EVERY social network news feed is littered with the moans and whines and laments of wet and miserable people complaining about the weather, Boney M is playing in the shops.  This is my glimmer of hope.

Boney M in the shops can and does mean only one thing... Christmas is around the corner!! I am a total pain in the rear end to everyone around me (particularly my long suffering husband!), at this time of year. I love Christmas, and everything it stands for, everything it means - from the Birth of Jesus, to the coming together of family and friends, and the celebration of traditions. I adore Christmas carols. Every year Warren hides my Boney M CD, and every year I buy a new one. Boney M was always the LP of choice playing whenever we decorated the Christmas tree for as far back as I can remember. Thanks mom for this one! Its a tradition I force on my kids and anyone within a listening radius! Luckily for me both my kids love carols, and luckily for me and everyone around me, my kids can actually carry a tune (unlike me!).  So as soon as it is not completely ludicrous to do so, I will haul out all the carol CD's, and slowly start irritating Warren with my insistence on playing them.

I can't wait to start decorating my new house for Christmas. I now have banisters and a proper mantle over my fireplace! It sounds silly, but I get ridiculously excited at the thought of reams of holly trailing down my stairs, and a gorgeous fireplace framed in Christmas bling! The Advent calendar (very important to my kids!); Christmas crafts; Christmas shows; Carols by Candlelight; Carols with Dolphins (Ushaka - a show not to be missed!); Christmas Panto's; Carols at my kids schools; Christmas baking (hauling out my Gran's old recipes which  have been the foundation of the tradition of Christmas baking in my house); Christmas shopping and gift wrapping; Christmas Eve and Day planning; long, hot weekends spent with family and friends around the pool; holiday planning and embarking on - I am an absolute SUCKER for this time of year!!

This year, more so than any other year, I have expectations. Expectations which I hope are not unrealistic or lead to crushing disappointment. I am looking forward to this time of year not just for all the tangible reasons, but for over riding personal, emotional reasons. It has not been a good year for my relationship with my sister. Things have not been great and our close relationship, one we had finally cemented after years of strife, came under assault in the middle of the year, for reasons too arduous to delve into now. She has since given birth to twin boys (her second set), and the arrival of these two little angels has encouraged us to slowly come together again. I am looking forward to this wonderful time of year to help the healing and to give us plenty of opportunities to start again. I am counting on the magic of the season to over ride past hurts.

My kids are at that in between believing stage of their lives right now. They are too skeptical to believe in Santa Clause (an unfortunate sign of our times - kids growing up far too quickly :(, and losing their unquestioning belief in magic), yet are too wise to admit to me that they know he isn't real. They are, however, old enough to understand the true meaning of Christmas. Charity, toy donations, Santa's Shoes Boxes - they participate in them all (one, unfortunately, more willing than the other;)). They are at the perfect age where the penny has dropped, and they are able to see the bigger picture. This year will be extra special in this regard. I honestly believe if we don't nurture and encourage this philanthropic side in our children when they are young, we stand no chance in the long term.  Although it is a year round endevour, some how at Christmas it just seems more poignant. A glimmer of hope for the future.

Enough of this miserable bone chilling, wet and windy weather! The sliver of blue that peeks out every now and again is my glimmer of hope that things will improve. The weather, the season, life, love and everything in between! If we harness this hope, focus on it, instead of lamenting about the drudgery of more rained out cricket matches, a constant stream of wet socks and miserable house-bound kids, washing that won't dry and boots and jackets that were (prematurely) packed away having to be hauled out again, we will miss out on the excitement of what is just around the corner. So stop moaning about the weather,  crank up Boney M, and start untangling those Christmas lights. I'm Just Saying...

Forgotten Rules

I remember sitting in my final assembly at high school, and hearing a poem about how to be successful in life. It was a simple poem, with simple advice. A poem I am sure most of us have heard before. It was written by Robert Fulghum, and was called All I really need to know I learned at Kindergarten. For some reason this poem, and its simple message, has stuck with me. That is not to say I personally have lived my life exactly to the credo it depicts, but I try.  Lately I have found myself questioning people (to myself, that is!). Questioning why some people do the things they do, say the things they say, hurt others so easily, forget the important things in life, forget how to act like a good friend, a good sibling, parent, spouse, basic human being. And no - this is NOT directed at anyone in particular. It is more a commentary from the peanut gallery. Again, I'm Just Saying - if the shoe fits, wear it - and I am the first to admit when it fits me! We all need reminding, sometimes, of these simple rules of life.

(I have saved the poem to a separate page at the top. It really is worth a read.) 

Lesson 1: Share everything

People don't share anymore. From recipes, to information, from time to friends. As I try to teach this lesson to my own kids (at 9 they are at this incredibly competitive age, and "its MINE" seems to be their immediate response to anything!), I often think how much easier it would be as adults if we remembered to share more. From "he can't be your friend, he's mine", to "no, those brownies are a family secret", and "I'm sorry, if I help you with that, then I have less time to do my own thing". What happened to Barney telling us sharing is caring? Sharing time, resources, friendships does not detract from our own quota. It enhances it. Before I get hit with a "be careful what you wish for", however, I have to point out that there are two areas in which we are more than happy to share - the giving of unsolicited-uninformed-ill timed-advice, and the sharing of gossip. Two areas where perhaps some restraint and circumspection should be maintained!

Lesson 2: Play Fair

Seems pretty self explanatory, yet for some reason, not so much! The order of the day seems to be take as much as you can from someone (be it time, money, effort, friendship, advice, support), and then sit back. At what point do we become suckers for always being on the giving side of the fair play line, and never the receiving?  Playing fair, in my book, is not simply tit for tat, but instead is having consideration for those around us, for those in our lives, for those who mean something to us. If you are going to take, be prepared to give.

Lesson 3: Don't hurt anyone (and if you do, say sorry, and don't do it again)

Again, so simple, yet so ignored! There are things we do in life, that hurt, and scar those around us. Speaking ill of people close to us and thinking they will never know, not standing up for those we love,  not being there when we say we will, breaking promises, repeating the same behavior and actions over and over, knowing the repercussions will be dire. Before our kids learn that this lesson extends beyond the don't-hit-your-brother-in-the-eye-with-a-wet-face-cloth, they need to learn that yes, sticks and stones DO break bones, but words hurt just as much. And before we begin to teach our kids this, we as adults, need to relearn  and start to practice what we preach.

Lesson 4: Live a Balanced Life

The shoe is fitting too well with this one! I have a tendency to become very overly focused on whatever I am doing at any given time, and the balance that is so important in life, goes right out the window! I need to keep reminding myself to ensure both sides of the scale are proportional at all times! I know I'm not alone in this! There is more to life than just work. Or just play. Or just one friend. Or just your spouse / boyfriend / girlfriend.  The more we focus on one area in isolation and to the detriment of all the others, the more chance we having of losing those other areas completely. And as we all know, it is far more difficult to recover what is lost, than to maintain what we have.

Lesson 5: Be aware of Wonder

Life spirals out of control at an alarming rate. Before we blink, the calm that was yesterday, is the mania of today. We blink and our kids grow up; we hesitate, and we lose opportunities; we run, and we miss the smell of the roses. I swear Christmas was only last week - yet here we are, singing to Boney M and trying to remember where we packed the tree lights.  This particular lesson is a big one for me right now. To remember that life is for living, for enjoying, for savoring. To enjoy the big moments, and to appreciate the small ones. Before we realize it, its all gone. And its too late.

Read the poem, remember the lessons, and instead of just nodding in agreement, practice what is surely a simple recipe for a successful life. Ever the nerd (;)), I plan on resuscitating these forgotten rules, and enforcing them in myself, and hopefully in my kids. There is something in them for everyone... I'm Just Saying...

Living Life Simply

Without denying the absolute need for technology (obsessed as I am with it!), life has become so fast paced, so driven by 2D, 3D and HD images, that as a mom I am scared we are forgetting about the simple, soul-enriching, memory-creating things in life.

My kids are (as are all, or at least most kids today), hooked on technology. They know more about my blackberry, my ipad, and Google, than I do. This fact alone scares me, as I am a self-confessed techno-slut! They play Wii, X-Box, and PlayStation as effortlessly as we used to play snap! or tag as kids. They don't need to read the instructions, or have the intricacies of the game explained to them. They just seem to innately know that pressing A makes the unbelievably life-like army dude run, B makes him shoot a machine gun, and C makes him launch grenades! Within minutes they have figured out the cheat codes on Moshi Monsters, have created new villages in Ice Age, have harvested new crops on Smurfs, and have completely killed my painstakingly cultivated high score in Temple Run. All without laborious instruction or tutoring!! As impressive as this sounds, and not withstanding the mental skills I am sure they have gained and fine tuned, I fear for my kids appreciation of the important, tangible things in life. 

Recently reality bit. And bit hard.  We went away with very close friends to Kamberg, and stayed at a beautiful, old-style farm. Barely any cell phone signal, a TV - but no DSTV card, so it remained off, no DS's, no Wii, X-Box or PlayStation. I held my breath the whole weekend, waiting for the inevitable "I'm bored" (which seems to have become my kids' shared middle name at the moment!). But it never came. Instead they played. They built puzzles, they explored, they canoed, they played cricket, swam, rode horses, rode bikes, and they laughed. Most surprisingly, they listened (a skill which seems to have become purposefully lost lately!). We bought them all fishing rods - simple, inexpensive fishing rods. And from day one, they fished. After the first fish had been caught, proving it could be done, we lost our kids to the edge of the dam. Hour after hour they sat together, patiently (who knew they had it in them!), and strategised how best to catch the evasive trout. And when they were successful, they were genuinely happy for each other. Instead of the way-too-early-morning wake-up to "mom, can we go watch TV?", we now had "Mom? Can dad untangle our reels, we want to go fish". What an absolute, heart-warming pleasure!

Before I come off sounding pious and judgemental, I need to say that this post is a commentary on myself as a parent first, not a blanket generalisation. However, if the shoe fits, if any bells are rung, listen and wear it. I'm Just Saying. Kids have far too many instant gratification options available to them. The TV fall back, the computer game baby sitter, the X-Box play date.. nonsense!! Lazy parenting breeds lazy kids. Even though I was hopeless at maths, even I can see the logic in this summation. I for one, am putting my foot firmly down, and will be attempting to stop the development of sloth-like natures in my kids, before I shell out any more money on OT for poor posture; before I get called in to the headmasters office to discuss the choice language of my 9 year old (I wait with bated breath for this one!); before I pay thousands to a therapist to tell me why my 9 year old is sullen and exhibiting Hannah Montana overly-theatrical-dramatic behaviour; or heaven forbid, pleading my child's case to the courts after a if-they-can-do-it-on-Grand-Theft-Auto-why-can't-I moment!

We have an "I'm Bored" jar now (thanks Pinterest!). If playing with the gazillion toys in their rooms, or reading the countless books on their bookshelves doesn't do it for them, my kids have to pick an activity - a mom-designed-sometimes-fun-sometimes-not activity - from this jar. Included in these activities are chores to be done. Not such fun! Suddenly my kids imaginations are being dusted off, their creativity is being stretched, and their playing-independently-muscles are being exercised. We talk more, we listen more, and life definitely seems less hyped up. What a win!!

I woke up this morning feeling really positive about life. The fact that Christmas is around the corner (my absolutely FAVORITE time of year!), and the prospect of a long summer holiday (with a two week road trip with very special friends), to look forward to, I plan on making living more simply work for me, my family and most importantly, my kids. If I have to become someone Hitler would be too afraid not to obey (I'm sure there's a little tyrannical dictator in all parents!), then I will gladly rise to the occasion! 

So its heavy restrictions on X-Box, limited TV time and only approved channels (banishing all back-chatting-parent-disrespecting-low-pants-wearing-teen-know-it-all channels), no more moshi monsters or plant killing zombies on the computer. Its bikes, books, friends, dirt, mud, Lego, puzzles, board games, crafts and imaginary play. From now on. Because I say so. Because my kids need it. Because we all need it. I'm Just Saying...

(Let's see how long this lasts!! I'm Just Saying...)

Pavlov For People

BOUNDARIES... In the continued saga to settle Sasha, my 12 year old border collie, into our new house, we had to address the boundary issue - both literally and figuratively. In a nut shell, Sasha, being quite set in her ways and extremely stubborn, did not want to be confined to the area (the back garden), which was already fenced in and more  than suitable for a little dog. Instead, she wanted to be in the front, roaming free and doing exactly what her single-focused mind wanted to do. We realised very quickly it was not a battle of the wills we stood any chance of winning! 

So off to the vet we went, where we dropped an earth shattering R3000 (a big ask after the never ending moving expenses that literally appear infinite!), and bought a system called "Pet Safe" (an American product guaranteed to put us in a win-win situation). How this works (and please - NO JUDGING!), is a literal interpretation of Pavlov's Theory. The no-go areas (in our case, the top of the driveway leading onto the road, and the open hedges), are cordoned off by an electrical cable, which is buried under ground, and is demarcated by little white flags. Sasha wears a new collar, which is connected to the system,and has a little probe touching her neck. Should she attempt to cross the forbid territory, the system emits a little shock (a small zap - I did try it on myself first!) After a training session, and two little self-inflicted zaps as she explored her new boundaries - we had success! Without the collar even on, she WILL NOT cross the magic line.Such a clever dog!

Without turning this into a lengthy commentary about the ingeniousness of my four-legged child, this process had me thinking about the practical use of Pavlov with people. Imagine the success rate in churning out well disciplined kids?! Fight with your sister? ZAP! Back chat your mom? ZAP! Lie about homework? ZAP! Open the fridge and stare blankly because you are bored? ZAP! Slam your bedroom door in a rage? ZAP! Before child line is called, I would never do this to my kids. But I do dream about a system of reinforcement that has an instant effect rather than the grounding, losing a marble out the Being Good Jar, banning of X-Box etc.. discipline methods we rely on at home!!

And what about the errant  husband? Eyes straying in the wrong direction? ZAP! Looking at the watch, ignoring the cell phone and having the fifth absolutely last beer at the pub? ZAP! Reaching for the wallet to buy one more bank-breaking-will-die-if-I-don't-have-it piece of equipment for his mountain bike / golf bag / motor bike / or car? ZAP! 

On a personal note, the positive effects this would have on ME would be insurmountable! Not being hungry but have to have the last piece of Aero Bubbly - ZAP! Needing to go for a run but making up excuses to avoid it - ZAP! Buying yet another vase / cushion / photo frame / decorative piece of useless something just because - ZAP! Facebooking / Twittering / Pinteresting/ blogging instead for plowing through the piles of CV's in my inbox - ZAP! Reaching for the Bar One / Cosmo / bag of Chuckles conveniently placed in the queueing aisle at Woolworths- ZAP! Buying one more gorgeous journal / notebook / diary because it is beautiful (I have a drawer FULL of unused ones already!) - ZAP! Or my most indulgent (yes, I am a nerd!), spending money at Waltons / CNA / any stationers to feed my stationary obsession - ZAP!!! I would be thinner, richer, and far more productive if Pet Safe was designed as a pretty bracelet for people, instead of a black dog collar!

Pushing, or ignoring boundaries (self - or sociably imposed) is something we are all more than familiar with. Until some Pavlovian follower invents a socially acceptable Zapper for People, I have to be content with spending a large amount of time thinking of ideas to either reinforce positively, or punitively, my kids, myself and in a small way (;)), my husband. And although the results may not be as instantaneous as the ZAP to the arm would be, I have seen success with banning the x-box, and rewarding with marbles that have a monetary value; the bathroom scale and the credit card statement; and the threat of being banished to the couch for the night! Pavlov in longhand - I'm Just Saying...

We have moved!

We have moved. Over. Done. Finished. Bar a few boxes lingering in my office, and a few dozen pictures, paintings, photo's, and mirrors waiting impatiently to be hung, we are in. Right off the bat let me say this - moving is NOT for the feint hearted! It has more than earned its place up there with death and divorce (either of which were tempting options themselves throughout this process!!).  It has been a process fraught with emotions - ranging from excitement, to nervousness, nail-biting-anxiety, sadness, rage-inducing-impatience, sheer disbelief, bewilderment, more anxiety, absolute bliss, confusion, concern, excitedness (again!), and utter contentment. But we have survived (or at least, are surviving!), and I am absolutely in love with our new home.

Moving has given me plenty of opportunities to consider change and the effect it has had on us. My biggest concern was how my children would handle the change. After an initial bout of unsettledness, however, both have acclimatised and  embraced the adventure of a new house, on a new estate, with more access to their friends, slightly more freedom, and new responsibilities. Warren and I have slotted in, loving being part of a new community of amazing families, close to quite a few of our very good friends, easier traveling distances, a bigger home, and in general, another tick on our To Do List of dreams. Sasha, my 13 year old border collie, however, is another matter altogether. As stubborn as she is loyal, she is refusing to go with the flow! So its a new fence, and retraining on the agenda. Here's hoping she is true to the adage about teaching old dogs...!

This old dog (ahem!!) has certainly learnt some new tricks lately. How to use a drill, electric screwdriver, hammer and my voice, very well! My pet hate is being patronised (a close second to being taken advantage of!). As was to be expected, there have been issues with the new house, issues that required dealing with know-it-all-electricians, patronising-blame-shifting-builders, clumsy-well-meaning-handymen, etc. Very quickly they all learnt not to take my short stature and blonde hair for granted!

And all through the upheaval of the past few weeks, life has continued. Hockey matches have been played, school projects and market days have been completed, Spring Flings have been attended, birthdays have come and gone, and babies have been born. What has remained steadfast through it all has been the love and support of friends and family. Friends have arrived with meals, carried boxes, moved furniture, entertained my kids, shared endless glasses of wine, offered advice, and generally been amazing! I am seriously blessed with my group of friends! And my mom - God Bless mothers! She packed, unpacked, moved, reorganized, fetched and carried,  understood my tears of frustration, and supported. Thank you, mom!

And so life has resumed. A little less like the old normal, a new kind of normal in its place. I look forward to new challenges, new adventures. We have worked hard to be where we are, and are so grateful to be here. Its all about grabbing that bull by both horns, and leaping into the unknown with our eyes wide open! SO we have moved. We are here. Ready to start making new memories as precious as the old. Watch this space! I'm just saying...

Olympic Fever

Olympic Fever has gripped the world. Or so Twitter and Facebook would have us believe. Everyone has suddenly become  an expert on all sporting activities - even the not-so-common ones, like kayaking and triple jump long jump. And suddenly everyone is on first name basis with our gold medalists ("Chad? I went to the same primary school as him 100 years ago! He was always destined to be an Olympic Gold Medalist"!!!) I might sound cynical, but I have to admit that I too have been glued to the screen watching the women's weight lifting finals, and offering my clearly expert opinion on each contestant (you would be lying if you said you never watched and pointed out how svelte those 200kg ladies looked when they tightened their kidney belts!)

No matter how much we train for the 100m sprint (read: jog three times a week), or the 100m butterfly (read: bobbing up and down in the heated indoor pool at the gym), there CAN only be one Caster, one Chad, one Cameron (yes, I am on first name basis ;)). Should the Olympic categories diversify, however, I strongly believe that we would have quite a few Gold Medalists right under our noses.

Olympic Status Updates. This includes, but is not restricted to BlackBerry Messenger Status, Face Book, Whats App, and Twitter. The competition for the Gold in this category would be fierce. (For the record, Ash, I am not talking about you ;)) I have friends who update their status's up to 15 times a day! And what's even more fun is when they link their updates to all platforms!! So every meal, mood, thought that they have is delivered to those on the receiving end no fewer than 3 times at once. Its hard to keep up! You have just processed the news that their french toast was slightly burnt this morning, when they hit you with the earth shattering news that they are stuck in a traffic jam (oddly enough, the same one they were stuck in, at the same time every other morning since they learned how to update and share!!). Before I get accused of "Pottle" (Gareth Cliff - Pot calling the Kettle Black) I admit to once being one of those frequent updaters. I have, however, lost my place on the podium, lagging far behind the leaders!

Having the Last Word Olympic Style. As a self-confessed control freak, I have trained long and hard for this Gold. My kids, however, seem to have inherited this trait from me, and have the persistence of a 'flu bug in winter (well, in my house anyway)! Every comment, request, order, directive, appeal, is met with serious negotiation. When agreement is finally reached, that parting shot delivered just as they turn the corner is as predictable as the fact that whatever I have just reached agreement with them on, will be forgotten in three seconds!! On this same point, however, I believe that I am a strong contender in The Olympic Nagging category. Its not something I enjoy doing, but am forced to do by those who will just not listen to me the first time! My sparing partners in this field include, but are not limited to, my two children, my husband, and my border collie Sasha. And they have afforded me lots of practice! Unfortunately, unless I suddenly find that elusive magic wand, I fear I will remain untouchable in this category.

The Support at School Events Category. Hands down, there would be a unanimous tie for gold in this category by most parents. And yes, I believe it should be something we as parents be rewarded for. Sitting through the whole school play (and often more than once), just to see your little one come on at the end and do her two minute number; freezing (literally) our asses off on the side of the sports field for hours (literally!), watching all those eventful relays, and sack races, and more relays, just to see your little one do his 25m sprint; manning the coloured hair spray booth at the school's Founders Day, in the wind, with every child (read: headstrong I-want-a-red-star-and-blue-and-green-striped-pattern-in-my-hair under 12 year old), being precious about what they want; forking out hundreds of rands (literally!) to support the candy floss, jumping castle, cheap-plastic-cr@p-stall at the same school event. And every year, back we go, to repeat the process, loving our kids so much that those two minute moments in the limelight make it all worth while. Without a doubt, we South African parents would hold the world record in this category!

And last but not least Olympic Procrastination. Without a doubt, categorically, unequivocally, absolutely - I would take that Gold in this event. Packing boxes to move - suddenly I have to reorganize my photo albums, bake Oatmeal Raisin Cookies, take the dog for a long walk, watch Good Luck Charlie (even though I have seen this particular episode a dozen times!), with my kids, write my blog.

We are so proud of all of our traditional Olympic Medalists. And as a nation we have all banded together to couch-support (read: coach and judge!), and cheer these sporting hero's on.  We own their victories as though we ourselves had physically earned them. But lets not short change ourselves. Back in the real world, in the Olympics of Life, we should own our own victories, no matter how trite, and pat ourselves on the back. I'm Just Saying...